As Mother's day approaches I have so many emotions!
This is my first Mother's day away from my daughter. My son has been out of the house for several years now. But this is the first one alone. As an empty nester, its a weird feeling.
I think back to the years I had my own sweet Mom. She's been gone since 2003, and not one day goes by without me thinking about her and her wisdom. Not a day goes by, when I think "I need to tell mom this". Since my divorce I have had to share certain holidays, its not easy to share. This year is no different, on Mother's day I get a call from Angelena who is in Wisconsin. I will be able to talk to her for 20 minutes and then she will call her dad for the remainder of the 20 minutes. That hurts a little, I must admit. But without him, I wouldn't have her. I know he is just as excited to hear her voice as I am. So I think back on those words my mom gave me once just shortly after we separated (days before Thanksgiving). She said "Anna, does the sun rise and set at the same time everyday?" "Yes". Well, then if you can't have the kids on one holiday, there is always another". Those words were bittersweet, because you don't want to always share! But those words are with me today, as I embark on this road full of journeys. When you are divorced, you must share things like holidays, then there are the weddings, and the greatest joy of all grandchildren!! So I will gladly share with him this Sunday, so he too can share in her joy with her own journey in Wisconsin!
I also think about what it means to be a "Mom". I don't think I really thought about it. I knew that I just wanted to be 'one'! Its such a huge responsibility to raise a child or children in a world so full of uncertainty especially now. Which I am sure my mom thought that same thing all those years ago! Kids don't come with an instruction manual, that's for sure.
We start out with our pregnancy. We read all the books on what to expect when. Not one book tells you the truth, its hard work to raise a child with integrity, honesty, a good moral compass, compassion, love, and ethics! I feel we often turn to our own upbringing with our own mothers! Mine was special (as your own mother is too). My mom and dad had 2 children already, and she had one miscarriage. Then one day when my mom was 40 and my dad was 45, they had me! I can only imagine their surprise, because my brother was 17 yrs older and my sister was 16 years older. But they became my best friends growing up. There were no other kids in the neighborhood, so we often played together, and I can't tell you how many tea parties I had under a table with a blanket over the top and both parents sitting there with me! They gave me an awesome childhood. Oh, maybe I might have been a bit spoiled! But they gave me so much more.They raised me with a great moral compass, I have a great work ethic. They gave me compassion, understanding, empathy, a open mind, and love.
As I think about my own motherhood, so much comes to mind. I was so nervous with my first one. That poor baby, I know I made all my mistakes trying to figure out my role as a mother. I worried about everything and anything. Is he eating enough, I really need to insist on 2 naps a day. Should I do this or that. I made sure I read to him, sang lullaby even with a not so nice voice, took him places like the museums, zoos because I know the more places you take your child it will open up their minds! Of course there are the up's and downs while being a 1st time parent. The endless nights of getting up to nurse your baby, the crying, the rocking, the diaper changes. They grow up and a whole new set of rules apply. See, the one thing they don't tell you when you are pregnant, once you have everything down, the baby senses that and changes it up on you! You have to keep learning~ hehe! This includes the 2's, 3's (they are insane). By 4, that's the 'magic age' and you are able to communicate with them! They become fun! The years roll on, then those teen years appear...and now you are on a roller-coaster ride!
By the time I had Angelena, there were 9 years, 11 months, and 26 days between them. I had many miscarriages. My doctor at the time said that I had a 0% chance of ever having another baby. So, we accepted that, and went on. I never gave up hope of course. Until that day I found out I was going to have another! Such joy and elation that God had given me a second chance at being a "mom"!
I have had some heartbreaks with the raising of kids. You get through the kids teasing your child. The teacher conferences, trying to be the parent who stays calm when hearing something you are totally unprepared for. Then of course the "I hate you mom." That one statement rips your heart out. That is the hardest one.
Getting divorced was so not in my life plans. When I married it was forever. This was not the plan. I had to change my whole motherhood thing. I had to go back to work. I had to be mom and dad. I had to tell about the birds and bees on my own. I had to tell my son how to tie a tie on his first dance. I had to explain how to 'shave'. This was not in my plan. I had to share my kids with their dad, I had to share weekends and plan on when I could go on vacation. I had to get over my jealousy. I had to relearn my roll as a mom.
I think about all the bumps in the road I have gone through. All the tears I have shed over the years. Watching my son pack up to leave in 2004. Secretly hoping he wouldn't leave. Watching my daughter go live with her dad until she moved back in 2009. And of course more recently, Angelena leaving for her mission for 18 months.
So, what does God want from me? What is my purpose as a "mother'? Sometimes I don't know. I thought I knew, we just love our children unconditionally. But, as I have raised 2 kids, its a lot more than that. We nurture them, we teach them, we help them to become their own person so that someday, they too, can raise a decent person. What else does God ask of me? Of course we teach them to pray.
As I approach this mother's day, I have to keep on praying hard. I have to take a huge leap of faith now that my daughter is out on her mission. Everyday I ask Him "What is it that i need to do? How can I continue to mother my children from so far away? Will you help me replenish my spirit? Can i be of help to others?" This is an ongoing prayer by the way!
But just as God blessed me with Angelena 21 yrs ago, he continues to bless me still. Maybe being a 'mother' in God's eyes means we feel the blessings each and everyday! My work here is not done, I have years of wisdom that I want to pass on to my grandchildren. In hopes they too will feel the awesomeness of God.
Happy Mother's day!
Proverbs 6:20-23: "My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake the teaching of your mother; bind them continually on your heart; tie them around your neck. When you walk about, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk to you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life."
